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my evil, my malice

Today I learned that I have been denying my evil and malice too much.  Most of this stems from도깨비 — he is inherently a spirit of more darkness.

I had tried to package this as “mischievousness” but I was wrong.  He is at core a trickster, a troublemaker.  Not mischievous, as that connotes playfulness with a dash of something more malignant.

Nope, not just “mischievous” — more a creature of chaos.  He needs chaos and shit to stir up.

He got awakened to this when I asked him to eat the curse of my client (the woman who reads 사주 (saju) as her profession, that’s her business — though 사주 is more scientific than fortune telling FYI).

So I asked him to eat the curse that had been placed on her place of business.  He loved it.  He stayed in 홍대 for the rest of the night, enjoying the drama and fights and drunkenness of the students and people partying there on a Friday night.  He came struggling back home, exhausted but also fulfilled.

It’s been a couple of weeks since that time and he’s hungry for more strong negative emotions.  And he reminded me — during tonight’s new moon ritual — that he is a creature of fright and chaos more than anything else.  He needs that to thrive.

And so I have to find ways to feed him.

Clients who need curses lifted will help, of course.

I’ve been being prompted in many ways, through many messages, that I need to go deeper into spirit work, need to embrace all of my psychic power.  Part of that will ease once I elevate and release 가시고모, but until then, I have to feed 도깨비.  I don’t have enough darkness of my own.

Or maybe I need to do more shadow work?  No, that doesn’t feel right.  I need to do more curse lifting work, as that enriches me (literally — by giving me monetary funds) and also enriches 도깨비.

He giggled so much as I did the first part of my new moon ritual, where I asked for manifestation of my psychic power and going even deeper into it.  He giggled because he knew that he was showing me the way.

Ah, trickster!  Why am I not surprised that you are with me?  So you are, so you are, and so I will feed you, I promise.

10 of Pentacles · 3 of Pentacles · 6 of Pentacles · 9 of Pentacles · Death · High Priestess · History · Justice · Mission · Roots

in which our heroine faces a challenge

제사 today, and I knew it would be tough, and it was.  A rough and firm and demanding message, or rather a huge ask of me.

Have I mentioned why I am in Korea?  I think possibly not.  (And if I have, then it bears repeating LOL.)

I am here because my ancestors need me here, to elevate and release our ancestors who could not cross over on their own.  For whatever reason(s), they are still stuck on this plane.

Since I’ve been in Korea (since October 2016), I’ve elevated and released two ancestors: a monk and a young bride.  The monk was responsible for tending our family lines for centuries.  He was exhausted.  And he’d gotten too rigid (even for my Korean ancestors!) in how he tended the ancestral line.  His faith only created stiffness around him and he enforced rules too … crushingly.

So he needed to be elevated to give him a break.  Because he would never allow himself to stop working (classic Enneagram 1 LOL).  He would work himself, even in the afterlife.  Even after death, he worked himself to the bone.  And he needed a release from that, a release that he would never give himself but he knew deep inside that he needed.

He showed me that he was sick; he told me that he was ailing; he spoke to me directly even before that obviously.  He allowed me to sequester him for weeks on end while I learned my path and my mission.  He was patient; he knew what needed to be done.  Even if he couldn’t literally ask for release, he did in so many figurative ways.  And he showed me that he was ready for it, craved it in fact.

I’m learning now that he was the easiest elevation and release I will ever have.  My ancestors gave me a softball test for my first initiation.  (I still don’t understand why now I won’t go crazy from further initiations but I accept that as a plus!!  XD)

The second elevation and release was of a young bride who wanted only to be reunited with her husband, who had been lost to death too soon after their marriage ceremony.  I blogged about her earlier, so suffice it to say here that I learned a valuable lesson from her: most spirits will not go willingly.

It takes my own psychic power to send them on.  That’s why my ancestors needed me, to be the person with psychic power as a conduit to send them up.  The young bride was, now I see, a relatively easy elevation and release too.  I only had to talk with her here and there over the course of a few weeks.  I only had to hear enough of her story to understand her.

The newest ancestor who needs to be elevated and released…. is a different story.  She is thorny and ornery and very well defended against any sort of communication.

I call her 가시고모 (literally thorn/splinter aunt, also the same term 가시 is used for those tiny fishbones, you know the ones that you don’t catch and then they poke your throat).  And my helping ancestors agree with me that she is 가시고모.  And they *also* say that it is super important for me to elevate and release her.

First off, and most importantly in their view — if I can, then her psychic power will flow to me.  She was so protective of it (because she’d been so ostracized because of it) that she closed it off entirely.  She did not let it flow through the bloodline as it was supposed to.  She stopped it up.  None of her blood issue received any psychic gifts because she found a way to stop that transmission somehow.

So there is this huge dammed up power that needs to flow to someone in the bloodline from 가시고모, and my ancestors say I should receive that, once I send her up.  I mean “should” here in the sense that it is owed to me — it is a kind of reward/incentive for me to do the work.  That is how my ancestors package it to me, partly because they know that this elevation is an incredible challenge.

By the way, I don’t necessarily agree with the “being owed” part — I’m conveying what my ancestors told me, as their incentive to do this herculean task.

Second, I need to elevate and release her because her damming up her power is fucking up the bloodline.  Tainting, cross-contaminating, etc etc.  She doesn’t realize the repercussions of what she has done and how it has flowed over the centuries.

Because — oh yes — she is an ancestor that predates both aunt and grandfather.  She is someone that they knew about and were warned to beware.

And now they have given her to me as my third ancestor to elevate and release.  Remember I mentioned herculean task?

That’s without even going into this particular ancestor’s thorns.  She won’t talk to anyone (she hasn’t for centuries); she has giant bramble bushes around her psychic energy (which I understand but omg whoa); and she is rough and gruff and rude and mannerless.

But also, super powerful.

This is so hard.

But it is the task I have been… ahem, erm, uh, uh… tasked with.  It is the big task that they need me to do.

(Note also that I know that this is a form of initiation — not the “go crazy as initiation” that I expected but an initiation nonetheless.  Also note that I also know that when I succeed at this, the tougher tasks will only keep coming.  As in I know then I will only get even tougher ancestors.  Sigh.  That is the way, I know.  It’s okay~)

So I cried during 제사 today.  Because the concept of it was so difficult.  But I’m better now.  And I know now what I have to do, and I will dive into that task.  To which my ancestors say, “그렇지, 그렇지”… and they say that this is why they needed me — not for just my psychic power from my bloodline (though rare enough) but because I will throw myself wholeheartedly into what I have to do and then execute to make that happen.

So off I go to execute… to start talking with 가시고모 (I’m told I will have to talk with her every day from now until the next full moon) and to start convincing her.  설득하겠습니다~ 어찌어찌 설득하겠습니다~

아가도깨비 and 토끼 say they will help, as of course will aunt and grandfather.  Still it’s lonely and heavy work and I know it needs to be done.

I wonder if I need or want to manifest a mentor, because I can do this alone but it’s getting tiring to have no one to talk with about this sort of thing.  Something to ponder and consider for the next few weeks.

10 of Pentacles · 3 of Pentacles · 9 of Pentacles · High Priestess · King of Pentacles · Queen of Pentacles

A pin-pointed self-reading on money

So, a funny story.  a little while back, I did a self-reading with the question: “When can I expect new money coming in?”  I specified that the money should not include the known money from legal work (I expected a little bit coming in from different clients in April).

The answer: April 16.

Earlier in April, my friend connected me with her student, to cover English lessons while she is traveling.  so I thought the April 16 date as about that.  But then I realized that I wouldn’t see that money until May, when I start teaching.

Then it hit me — another friend had asked if I wanted to read tarot at a craft fair she was organizing.  I pondered it for a bit and said yes.

The date of the craft fair?  April 16.

LIKE WHOA.

Honestly I was so oblivious to the timing until a few days ago LOL.  But when the realization came, it was like a ton of bricks.  Like, way to be pinpointed and pitch-perfect and dead on.

Then, today, I asked how much money I would make at the craft fair today.  The answer was accurate to within $10 of the *exact* amount I made today. (And I have an intuitive feeling of why I was off by that $10 too — it was because I told one potential sitter to wait, though it became clear that we could have done the reading when she wanted it.)

Yay for self-readings!  Like OMG whoa.  Sometimes I shock even myself with my accuracy LOL.  *dance dance dance I am so happy*

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Tapped into The Source

Today was a great day of tarot readings!  I was popping and dead on accurate.  So fantastic to get affirmation and confirmation of the messages that come.  This happened over and over again today, from the smallest things (like the number of international trips a client had planned for the summer) to the bigger things (like a big work project coming up in the next month).

Funny thing: I wanted to do a full “reach to Spirit ritual” before starting the readings.  The same ritual I do for myself before doing daily draws and self-readings.

But my ancestors insisted that I did not need to do the Big Ritual.

So I didn’t.

And then the readings came out flowing like water and blood.  So smooth and easy; I was tapped into The Source and telling the stories that my clients needed to hear — from the first stories so they trusted me and then the deeper stories to empower them.

My ancestors wanted me to experience how I can be connected and intuitive and full of 신기 even without the Big Ritual.

Now it’s a lesson I’ve truly learned.  I don’t need the Big Ritual to tap into my psychic power.  I don’t.  And that … really… reassures me.  That this spirit work is my right path.  That it does not have to be such a struggle.  That it does not take super-duper effort and work.

I mean, my ancestors told me earlier today — to reinforce the message that I don’t need to make offerings to them to connect with my 신기.

Not as I needed to before.  Before I needed to do that because I did not trust in my psychic power.  I needed the reassurance that it was coming from outside of me, from my ancestors and helping spirits and from their boost to my Connection to Spirit.  But I know now that I don’t need that.  I needed it before, like in December; but I don’t need it now.

And so it is with my Big Ritual.

My ancestors and helping spirits are super connected to me now.  I don’t need the Big Ritual to call upon them to help me when I give tarot readings now.  Now I can just tap into Spirit as me, without the super Big Ritual.  I just do the standard to shield from negative spirits (I call upon 고모 to shield me) and to ground (I call upon 도깨비 and the earth to ground me).  And then I read.

This is reassuring because philosophically I don’t believe that it should be difficult.  So getting this affirmation feeds me and tells me that I’m on the right path.  It flows like butter because I am on the right path.  And I am so grateful.  So very very grateful.

Thank you, Universe.  Thank you, ancestors and helping spirits.  Thank you, earth.

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Mission

I believe we all have intuition, but sometimes life drowns it.  With demands and distractions.  With all the social media and sh*t on your phone and all the things to keep you busy and consumed and distracted.

I hope my stories bring you back to something real.  Even though they are over social media LOLOLOLOL.

Nevertheless!!

Lets go deep into you to let your intuition out.  Like a dog out of a daycrate, let’s have you shake off the tension and stretttttttccccchhhh.  Front legs. then back legs, then shake-shake-shake and release ~

Lets listen to your intuition and welcome it with giant furry pettings.

I am only the conduit and tool through which your intuition speaks to you.

So come see me for a tarot reading.  Perhaps, if you are open to it, be ready for your ancestors and helping spirits to appear too.  They — and I — want to help you become the best you~~