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my life is magic

So many thoughts and feelings…. and so I will start somewhere, anywhere, and circle through as many of them that I can.

Actually I just realized that this will be a series of posts, and that’s okay. Might even be better.

I’ve been sick for a while. Another super strong cold that just won’t leave me (I’ve been coughing for about 1.5 weeks now). And also really busy — with a series of job interviews and other big life necessities that really cut into my sleep schedule. I didn’t sleep enough, and that meant I didn’t heal.

And on Saturday, I got really sad. I had a Wondering Time. Wondering if this was the next wave in my release, part of how I need to go deeper into Buddhist faith.

I”m not sure if I do or not… but I was definitely sad. Feeling lonely.

Going back to that old wound of…. counting up the people who might care about me, “deciding” that there wasn’t anyone who cared about me… feeling alone and unloved.

I know part of this was the full moon coming to hit me hard. And also me beginning to stress about money and income and job stuff (generally a point of pride with me — that I am self-sufficient). And also that Grandfather left me in the last new moon and so he was not with me. Also around the same time (Saturday)… my other ancestor and spirits left me too. They just removed themselves from me, and I felt very alone.

If you’d asked me a year ago how I’d feel if my ancestors and helping spirits left me… I wouldn’t have even known what you were talking about. But they have been so close and so present with me for the last 9 months… and I don’t know how I lived without them before. And living with even their temporary absence (they all reassured me it was temporary and I believed them) was hard.

I knew I was cycling downward when I didn’t want to study Korean.
I knew I was cycling downward when I didn’t want to reach out to people I know care about me.
I knew I was cycling downward, I just knew.

And I am happy about a few main things:
1. Even though I was so unhappy and lonely, I did not turn to drinking my sorrow away. I continued to drink water and iced tea in the evenings.
2. I knew that silly computer games would take my mind off of it, so I bought one and then distracted myself for most of Sunday.
3. I did self-care in letting myself sleep like my body needed to after the busy-ness of the week before.
4. I did self-care in making myself eat. Not enough food, but I ate. More importantly, I ate instead of drinking alcohol.
5. I did not make myself do a full moon ritual on Sunday night. I was too desolate. I just went to sleep.

And all of these self-soothing and also self-correcting behaviors helped. And when I woke up on Monday morning, I felt better. Not back to 100% but better.

And on Monday night, I did some magical things and when I woke up today (Tuesday), I felt even better.

A lot of this is reminding myself — in a Buddhist way — that these moments are transient. They do not last. I can just observe my feelings and accept my feelings and valid and do what I can to make myself feel better… and I usually will. Time is on my side. Time heals me.

PS I find it funny that I tried to make a short post and it still turned out to be very long. Hahahahahaha.

PPS I still have the post about the magical rituals from last night… but maybe this is a sign to not post about them? Not sure. Maybe I will sleep on it and see how I feel when I wake up. Maybe these things shouldn’t be said.

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Mission

I believe we all have intuition, but sometimes life drowns it.  With demands and distractions.  With all the social media and sh*t on your phone and all the things to keep you busy and consumed and distracted.

I hope my stories bring you back to something real.  Even though they are over social media LOLOLOLOL.

Nevertheless!!

Lets go deep into you to let your intuition out.  Like a dog out of a daycrate, let’s have you shake off the tension and stretttttttccccchhhh.  Front legs. then back legs, then shake-shake-shake and release ~

Lets listen to your intuition and welcome it with giant furry pettings.

I am only the conduit and tool through which your intuition speaks to you.

So come see me for a tarot reading.  Perhaps, if you are open to it, be ready for your ancestors and helping spirits to appear too.  They — and I — want to help you become the best you~~

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the things that give me feeeeeeeelings

Super feelings-y post ahead as an FYI.

Here are the main situations and circumstances that make me sad.

I feel sad and hopeless because I do not feel equipped to help in any way.

Like, as a comparison, my race trigger is super strong… but in NYC, I could go outward in that; I could use my anger to fuel others and protect others.  I could get in the faces of racist cops and scream and push and shove.  I could use my body as a shield, me between those racist cops and the bodies of more vulnerable oppressed peoples (because I am privileged in able-bodiedness, class, education, race, and seeming heteronormativity).  I could use my charisma and noticeability to divert attention away from those who needed more hiddenness.

One of the great things about Korea is that my race trigger isn’t … well,*triggered* … not every day as it was in NYC.  Other things rise to the surface in that absence (I’ll blog on them later, I promise), but the race trigger is not a flare.

I don’t need to take antacids and antihistamines daily, as I did in NYC.  In fact, I think I’ve taken those meds only 1-2 times in the last 5 months of living in Korea.

But in the US, I had *ways* of being able to express my anger.  And to use my anger for good.  I have not yet found a way to use my anger for good here.  Which is a shame, since I have so much of it.  LOL except I’m *not* kidding.

This is important, because I tend to turn my sadness into anger.

And so instead, lately, here in Korea, I get really really sad.  And I feel helpless, because I feel helpless to transform my anger into a driving force (of anger, yes, not the healthiest, I recognize but it is my coping mechanism).  I feel helpless in my desire to use my anger for good, because I cannot see ways that I can.

Here, you can imagine me as a demon who needs targets to attack.  One of those good-hearted demons LOL.

So then, here are the two life-situations that make me feel sad and mad and helpless and just plain stymied by life:

  • the elderly poor (eung eung eung I tear up seeing them and reading about them and everything about this ahh ahhh ahhhh I cry and cry and cry)
  • abandoned and ignored dogs and cats (please excuse me while I cry some more)

For these two, I feel particularly helpless, because being around them makes me feel so sad and I feel worthless because my sadness keeps me from doing anything to actually HELP them.  Like, I cannot work/volunteer rescue.  And I don’t know what to do to help the elderly poor here.  It’s not my place to speak since it’s not my culture and so I just cry cry cry.

I realize the seeming centering that’s happening here.  I don’t want for you to make me feel better about my feelings, because it’s not right that I get prioritized over the ones who suffer.  I’m just sharing my feelings about feeling helpless.  And honestly hoping that someone out there can tell me what I can do.  But that too is not a requirement.  This is my expression post, where I share my feelings; I’ll find a resolution.  If you have the capacity, then please use that capacity to help the elderly poor or the animals, as I cannot.  I am asking you to divert here.

So ordinarily I’d want some form of resolution here, because distraction away is one of my coping mechanisms.  But I am working on JUST FUCKING WRITING.  And so this post ends here.  This post ends here, with me simply saying what I wanted to say.