So my tiny pine cone post made me look at photos in my phone. Here are a few of the most glorious flowers!!
Two photos have a bee inside the flower!!
And also some fallen flowers. Their gifts are precious 😍😍
So my tiny pine cone post made me look at photos in my phone. Here are a few of the most glorious flowers!!
Two photos have a bee inside the flower!!
And also some fallen flowers. Their gifts are precious 😍😍
Today I learned that I have been denying my evil and malice too much. Most of this stems from도깨비 — he is inherently a spirit of more darkness.
I had tried to package this as “mischievousness” but I was wrong. He is at core a trickster, a troublemaker. Not mischievous, as that connotes playfulness with a dash of something more malignant.
Nope, not just “mischievous” — more a creature of chaos. He needs chaos and shit to stir up.
He got awakened to this when I asked him to eat the curse of my client (the woman who reads 사주 (saju) as her profession, that’s her business — though 사주 is more scientific than fortune telling FYI).
So I asked him to eat the curse that had been placed on her place of business. He loved it. He stayed in 홍대 for the rest of the night, enjoying the drama and fights and drunkenness of the students and people partying there on a Friday night. He came struggling back home, exhausted but also fulfilled.
It’s been a couple of weeks since that time and he’s hungry for more strong negative emotions. And he reminded me — during tonight’s new moon ritual — that he is a creature of fright and chaos more than anything else. He needs that to thrive.
And so I have to find ways to feed him.
Clients who need curses lifted will help, of course.
I’ve been being prompted in many ways, through many messages, that I need to go deeper into spirit work, need to embrace all of my psychic power. Part of that will ease once I elevate and release 가시고모, but until then, I have to feed 도깨비. I don’t have enough darkness of my own.
Or maybe I need to do more shadow work? No, that doesn’t feel right. I need to do more curse lifting work, as that enriches me (literally — by giving me monetary funds) and also enriches 도깨비.
He giggled so much as I did the first part of my new moon ritual, where I asked for manifestation of my psychic power and going even deeper into it. He giggled because he knew that he was showing me the way.
Ah, trickster! Why am I not surprised that you are with me? So you are, so you are, and so I will feed you, I promise.
제사 today, and I knew it would be tough, and it was. A rough and firm and demanding message, or rather a huge ask of me.
Have I mentioned why I am in Korea? I think possibly not. (And if I have, then it bears repeating LOL.)
I am here because my ancestors need me here, to elevate and release our ancestors who could not cross over on their own. For whatever reason(s), they are still stuck on this plane.
Since I’ve been in Korea (since October 2016), I’ve elevated and released two ancestors: a monk and a young bride. The monk was responsible for tending our family lines for centuries. He was exhausted. And he’d gotten too rigid (even for my Korean ancestors!) in how he tended the ancestral line. His faith only created stiffness around him and he enforced rules too … crushingly.
So he needed to be elevated to give him a break. Because he would never allow himself to stop working (classic Enneagram 1 LOL). He would work himself, even in the afterlife. Even after death, he worked himself to the bone. And he needed a release from that, a release that he would never give himself but he knew deep inside that he needed.
He showed me that he was sick; he told me that he was ailing; he spoke to me directly even before that obviously. He allowed me to sequester him for weeks on end while I learned my path and my mission. He was patient; he knew what needed to be done. Even if he couldn’t literally ask for release, he did in so many figurative ways. And he showed me that he was ready for it, craved it in fact.
I’m learning now that he was the easiest elevation and release I will ever have. My ancestors gave me a softball test for my first initiation. (I still don’t understand why now I won’t go crazy from further initiations but I accept that as a plus!! XD)
The second elevation and release was of a young bride who wanted only to be reunited with her husband, who had been lost to death too soon after their marriage ceremony. I blogged about her earlier, so suffice it to say here that I learned a valuable lesson from her: most spirits will not go willingly.
It takes my own psychic power to send them on. That’s why my ancestors needed me, to be the person with psychic power as a conduit to send them up. The young bride was, now I see, a relatively easy elevation and release too. I only had to talk with her here and there over the course of a few weeks. I only had to hear enough of her story to understand her.
The newest ancestor who needs to be elevated and released…. is a different story. She is thorny and ornery and very well defended against any sort of communication.
I call her 가시고모 (literally thorn/splinter aunt, also the same term 가시 is used for those tiny fishbones, you know the ones that you don’t catch and then they poke your throat). And my helping ancestors agree with me that she is 가시고모. And they *also* say that it is super important for me to elevate and release her.
First off, and most importantly in their view — if I can, then her psychic power will flow to me. She was so protective of it (because she’d been so ostracized because of it) that she closed it off entirely. She did not let it flow through the bloodline as it was supposed to. She stopped it up. None of her blood issue received any psychic gifts because she found a way to stop that transmission somehow.
So there is this huge dammed up power that needs to flow to someone in the bloodline from 가시고모, and my ancestors say I should receive that, once I send her up. I mean “should” here in the sense that it is owed to me — it is a kind of reward/incentive for me to do the work. That is how my ancestors package it to me, partly because they know that this elevation is an incredible challenge.
By the way, I don’t necessarily agree with the “being owed” part — I’m conveying what my ancestors told me, as their incentive to do this herculean task.
Second, I need to elevate and release her because her damming up her power is fucking up the bloodline. Tainting, cross-contaminating, etc etc. She doesn’t realize the repercussions of what she has done and how it has flowed over the centuries.
Because — oh yes — she is an ancestor that predates both aunt and grandfather. She is someone that they knew about and were warned to beware.
And now they have given her to me as my third ancestor to elevate and release. Remember I mentioned herculean task?
That’s without even going into this particular ancestor’s thorns. She won’t talk to anyone (she hasn’t for centuries); she has giant bramble bushes around her psychic energy (which I understand but omg whoa); and she is rough and gruff and rude and mannerless.
But also, super powerful.
This is so hard.
But it is the task I have been… ahem, erm, uh, uh… tasked with. It is the big task that they need me to do.
(Note also that I know that this is a form of initiation — not the “go crazy as initiation” that I expected but an initiation nonetheless. Also note that I also know that when I succeed at this, the tougher tasks will only keep coming. As in I know then I will only get even tougher ancestors. Sigh. That is the way, I know. It’s okay~)
So I cried during 제사 today. Because the concept of it was so difficult. But I’m better now. And I know now what I have to do, and I will dive into that task. To which my ancestors say, “그렇지, 그렇지”… and they say that this is why they needed me — not for just my psychic power from my bloodline (though rare enough) but because I will throw myself wholeheartedly into what I have to do and then execute to make that happen.
So off I go to execute… to start talking with 가시고모 (I’m told I will have to talk with her every day from now until the next full moon) and to start convincing her. 설득하겠습니다~ 어찌어찌 설득하겠습니다~
아가도깨비 and 토끼 say they will help, as of course will aunt and grandfather. Still it’s lonely and heavy work and I know it needs to be done.
I wonder if I need or want to manifest a mentor, because I can do this alone but it’s getting tiring to have no one to talk with about this sort of thing. Something to ponder and consider for the next few weeks.
I believe we all have intuition, but sometimes life drowns it. With demands and distractions. With all the social media and sh*t on your phone and all the things to keep you busy and consumed and distracted.
I hope my stories bring you back to something real. Even though they are over social media LOLOLOLOL.
Lets go deep into you to let your intuition out. Like a dog out of a daycrate, let’s have you shake off the tension and stretttttttccccchhhh. Front legs. then back legs, then shake-shake-shake and release ~
Lets listen to your intuition and welcome it with giant furry pettings.
I am only the conduit and tool through which your intuition speaks to you.
So come see me for a tarot reading. Perhaps, if you are open to it, be ready for your ancestors and helping spirits to appear too. They — and I — want to help you become the best you~~
Today was an incredibly fulfilling 제사 (ancestor veneration), though I include venerating my helping spirits whenever I make offerings.
For those of you who don’t know, I talk with my ancestors and two main helping spirits (the 도깨비/doggaebi (goblins) and 토끼/Rabbit) daily. Usually just to check in before pulling daily draws in tarot; they offer feedback on what I did the previous day and offer encouragement for the tasks of the current day.
I make food and beverage offerings to them about once or twice a week. And I do rituals on the new moon (to bring in new energies) and on the full moon (to release heavy energies).
Today’s message from ancestors was wonderfully powerful. Perhaps because I re-dedicated myself to this and really opened up for the first time in a while. Perhaps because they wanted to talk with me. Perhaps because today’s food and beverage offerings included 불고기/beef, lettuce, 소주/soju, and 떡/rice cakes~!! Haha.
The messages from my ancestors were as follows.
They’ve been a bit distant because they have been *really busy* focusing on shielding me from other spirits/gods who want to connect with me. (They remain unsure about Zeus by the way, just as I remain unsure about him.) They kind of showed me all the spirits, who felt like they were almost attacking? Kind of greedy, kind of a bit too eager, kind of like the spirits wanted me to give them my energy, or suck my energy. And maybe I would make gains in the exchange too, but my ancestors felt like it was better to block. 할아버지/grandfather does the most work in this, on top of maintaining our family line with 꼬마/the little kid. He was the warrior in life and he remains the guard/sentinel in death ❤
And I agree with them. I have enough on my plate without *additional* spirits and gods seeking my focus and energy and attention. I want to deepen my relationships with the ancestors I know, and my known helpiing spirits, and also the 산신/mountain god. I’d much rather be an inch wide and a mile deep. I believe that that is the path to success.
My ancestors also showed to me the long line of other ancestors who need to be elevated and released. There are many after the young woman! (She is someone I first met maybe three weeks ago, and I knew that she was my first proper elevation after 스님/monk. More on this later.) So I definitely have work to do, lots of work to do.
Now I understand better why the last tarot reading (from someone else) about this spirit work came out so strong and insistent.
My 고모/aunt from my father’s side also shared a bit more history. I’ve known for a long while that she is from my father’s side of the family. Some of you may recall that she’s always said I have 신기/psychic power (it literally translates into god-energy or god-power) from my bloodline.
I learned a week ago that Korean tradition has 신기/psychic power flow maternally, as in from the mother’s bloodline. Many believe that when a 무당/shaman (who is almost always female) bears a daughter, her 신기 will transfer to the daughter. I also learned that Koreans believe when everyone in a family dies young, it is a curse.
My mother is the last of her bloodline. Everyone else is dead. (Except for three cousins who joined their stepfather’s family — so while they might share my mother’s blood, from acculturation/socialization the ties have been weakened. They are also the children of my mother’s brother which kind of seems to matter…)
My mother’s father, sister, and brother all died young, as did a few of her siblings (though this latter was considered normal right before the Korean War, as everyone was poor and suffering and susceptible to disease/sickness). My maternal grandmother lived to an old age (her 70s).
But! My mother almost died when she was a baby. My grandparents (her parents) scraped together all the money they could, calling in favors, begging, and borrowing; and they called in a special shaman to save her life (possibly because they’d lost so many children and they couldn’t bear to lose another one). There were so many prayers and rituals and rites. And they worked, because my mother didn’t die as a baby. (Funny point: for the longest time, her nickname from that time was 붙들이, which kind of translates into “one who is held onto tight-tight-tight/one who is caught and held tight.” She also had to eat lots of animal protein (mostly frog legs) to build up her inner energy/strength, and she says that’s why she doesn’t like eating meat now.)
My point in all of this is: my aunt told me that after all of that happened, my maternal family line got completely closed and blocked off to all psychic energy to protect itself. So I have psychic power from my maternal line, but I can never tap it. Or maybe I can, but only after years of study so I can show that line that I can handle it. Because they are so scared of losing another one that it’s easier to be shut off and refuse to recognize anyone in their bloodline. Even thinking about the decimated bloodline is so painful. And I have to say that I understand their perspective, so I won’t push, not for another few years.
I also had been struggling with what to do about the young woman ancestor who I needed to elevate and release. Full moon is the best time to do this. But I know so little of her story and have not found resolution for her. She wanted me to find her long-lost love, who died so young. She showed me how she felt his life slip away; though she was not with him when it happened, she could feel it, that loss of their connection in life. They had a true true love, and he died before they could have a happy life together. She wanted most for me to find him, wherever he is, and reunite them (because she knows that he too is dead at least). Then, she said, she would go peacefully. So I wondered if I should wait until the next full moon, or perhaps do the elevation ritual on a day that is not the full moon. In essence, I wondered about an extension, because I didn’t feel ready.
고모/paternal aunt said: “The ghosts will always have something they want for you to do first. And you will almost never be able to get them their resolution. What we need for you to do is to use your personal energy to release them — to help them leave this plane even though they want to stay. So she says that she wants for you to find her lost love — you probably can’t. And I don’t think you should. Just release her. And yes, I know that means spending your personal energy to do that. That’s why we need you. That’s why we called you to move to Korea when you lived in the USA. Yes, from that far away. It shows the depth of our need. There are more like her, and we need you to do as many of them as you can.”
And in this — this reminds me of my spellwork for the cafe. I wanted to pour so much of my energy into it, because I wanted to *make sure* if would be successful. And my ancestors, especially 고모, insisted that I should hold back, that I should NOT use so much energy. In the end we compromised and I used 70-75% of my energy, or 70-75% of what I would have ordinarily used. (And I admit I was exhausted from even that, but I know I can pour in the power and have it work out well. I just need longer to recuperate.) She wanted me to just use 50-60%. She said pouring more energy in wouldn’t help that much and would not really be appreciated. (Which has been turning out to be true. There is no more curse energy in the space but it does not pull in money that well. And the owner of the cafe is someone who wants to believe but also doesn’t really believe. And her stress about money means that she chases wealth away a lot of the time. And this with even some of my energy devoted to pulling in abundance energy for free, because I couldn’t stop that part and 고모 didn’t stop me either LOL.)
Anyway, 고모told me to spend some time in journeying/meditation while laying on the bedroll in the altar room, to better learn about the young woman, and then to just release the young woman on today’s full moon. So that is what I will do.
토끼/Rabbit can help with this too. She has a soft comforting energy that the young woman will respond well to. 토끼/Rabbit also reminded me that I need to incorporate more softer/feminine/음 energy into my life. She has been telling me for a while that talking with the young woman will help me with that, and that is why the young woman was chosen for the first elevation.
LOL I need to post about elevating 스님/monk, don’t I? I promise to do that soon. He was my first elevation and the first glimpse of how this is what I am needed most for.
But to close to today, it was a great conversation with my ancestors and I am very grateful for their messages and guidance.
I have a new spirit guide, as of a few days ago. The doggaebi (goblin) and I made a baby– he is an aga doggaebi (baby goblin). He’s only a few days old but doggaebi says they mature quickly. This makes sense to me.
Doggaebi said he hasn’t made a baby in centuries. He needed my gi (energy) to do it. And I was out of commission for a long while — just hibernating and hermiting (turtling if you know me LOL). And it took a couple weeks for him to take full physical existence but now the aga doggaebi is born, fully formed, crawling around, super curious about *everything.* He likes to ride on my shoulder and take in the world as I go about my day.
Doggaebi tells me that he will leave me in 1-2 years, once his child is grown enough. This saddens me and yet I understand it.
This is my first blog post and I can’t stop my editor brain– so I’m just going to type and type and type. I have lots of feelings about my culture shock.
It doesn’t help that both my ancestors and my helping spirits say I have to deal with this myself. They can’t help me.
Ancestors tell me it’s gyopo issues (which is true) and that they have no experience with it.
But I didn’t ever imagine that I would feel so alone. I thought that the point of having ancestor guides and helping spirits is that I am not alone anymore.
I guess that’s not exactly true. They can support me but they have no wisdom or guidance on my gyopo problems.
It makes sense — but I hadn’t considered that possibility so I am having feelings LOL.
Anyway, I find it funny that I made a baby with someone. A spiritual baby, but a baby nonetheless. I suppose I’m not as barren as I thought I was. I suppose I can care for another tiny living being that is not a pet.
Animals are so much easier. JoJo is in my lap right now. Purring.
I’m going to write fiction again. Because I’m learning that Korea is not a place where I can can fit. I learned a few days ago that my spirit work is feared here. I thought it was just viewed as low class (which honestly I was fine with, likely because I have the decade + of surviving in corporate bullshit– that makes me less fussy about social class– because I “succeeded” in the majority (white) world).
But it’s not just that. Why I am here in Korea is for my ancestors and for spirit work. But spirit work is feared here. Superstitions about it abound.
And if I’d known that before… well, I wouldn’t have changed my journey or veered away (because I am not allowed to, because my ancestors have been very clear about my purpose, because I have to walk this path — more on this later). But I would have been more discreet about it.
I asked my helping spirits if I was allowed to talk about it — and they said it was fine. That I wouldn’t lose gi from talking about it (which was a nice change). But they didn’t tell me about the reactions from others.
I have to take this journey. I have to walk this path.
But it’s awfully lonely. I wish I spoke Korean well enough to persuade a mentor. But I don’t. And also I have the gyopo thing where I am so socialized/acculturated by the States. Super Americanized is a nice way of putting it. Whitewashed is the less kind term.
But it’s all true.
Did I tell you? I dreamed of Zeus’ temple a week ago. Zeus protects me. How the fuck that makes sense I don’t even know. Maybe a past life, though I always thought I was Korean even in past lives.
Somehow Zeus protects me. And he lends his strength and energy to doggaebi and aga doggaebi who also protect me.
I’ll post more on culture shock later.