Still having a hard time eating. So still cooking things I know I can eat…
The eggplant ones were super tasty! And I didn’t even like eggplant in the states!
Still having a hard time eating. So still cooking things I know I can eat…
The eggplant ones were super tasty! And I didn’t even like eggplant in the states!
So I made more fish cakes a while back. And had leftover batter. So I parboiled some red lentils and then made them into mini pancakes.
So many thoughts and feelings…. and so I will start somewhere, anywhere, and circle through as many of them that I can.
Actually I just realized that this will be a series of posts, and that’s okay. Might even be better.
I’ve been sick for a while. Another super strong cold that just won’t leave me (I’ve been coughing for about 1.5 weeks now). And also really busy — with a series of job interviews and other big life necessities that really cut into my sleep schedule. I didn’t sleep enough, and that meant I didn’t heal.
And on Saturday, I got really sad. I had a Wondering Time. Wondering if this was the next wave in my release, part of how I need to go deeper into Buddhist faith.
I”m not sure if I do or not… but I was definitely sad. Feeling lonely.
Going back to that old wound of…. counting up the people who might care about me, “deciding” that there wasn’t anyone who cared about me… feeling alone and unloved.
I know part of this was the full moon coming to hit me hard. And also me beginning to stress about money and income and job stuff (generally a point of pride with me — that I am self-sufficient). And also that Grandfather left me in the last new moon and so he was not with me. Also around the same time (Saturday)… my other ancestor and spirits left me too. They just removed themselves from me, and I felt very alone.
If you’d asked me a year ago how I’d feel if my ancestors and helping spirits left me… I wouldn’t have even known what you were talking about. But they have been so close and so present with me for the last 9 months… and I don’t know how I lived without them before. And living with even their temporary absence (they all reassured me it was temporary and I believed them) was hard.
I knew I was cycling downward when I didn’t want to study Korean.
I knew I was cycling downward when I didn’t want to reach out to people I know care about me.
I knew I was cycling downward, I just knew.
And I am happy about a few main things:
1. Even though I was so unhappy and lonely, I did not turn to drinking my sorrow away. I continued to drink water and iced tea in the evenings.
2. I knew that silly computer games would take my mind off of it, so I bought one and then distracted myself for most of Sunday.
3. I did self-care in letting myself sleep like my body needed to after the busy-ness of the week before.
4. I did self-care in making myself eat. Not enough food, but I ate. More importantly, I ate instead of drinking alcohol.
5. I did not make myself do a full moon ritual on Sunday night. I was too desolate. I just went to sleep.
And all of these self-soothing and also self-correcting behaviors helped. And when I woke up on Monday morning, I felt better. Not back to 100% but better.
And on Monday night, I did some magical things and when I woke up today (Tuesday), I felt even better.
A lot of this is reminding myself — in a Buddhist way — that these moments are transient. They do not last. I can just observe my feelings and accept my feelings and valid and do what I can to make myself feel better… and I usually will. Time is on my side. Time heals me.
PS I find it funny that I tried to make a short post and it still turned out to be very long. Hahahahahaha.
PPS I still have the post about the magical rituals from last night… but maybe this is a sign to not post about them? Not sure. Maybe I will sleep on it and see how I feel when I wake up. Maybe these things shouldn’t be said.
I wanted to offer food to my ancestors and helping spirits yesterday. Partly for the lunar eclipse and partly bc it has been sooooo long since I had made offerings and spoken with them. (The latter bc whenever I check, they say no no don’t bother.) More on the conversation in a later post.
So I made fish cakes!
Summer salad: cukes, fake crab, thread scallions, reconstituted seaweed, plus a vinegar dressing and sesame seeds. This is super Korean composition
So why all the mini pancakes? I still find it hard to eat sometimes. I’d taken to eating ice cream during those time (bc Korean ice cream is delicious! Hah NYC good snobs, ice cream in NYC never called to me like ice cream here). But almost a decade of minima dairy consumption and I developed lactose intolerance 😞. And really it doesn’t offer that much in he way of calories and nutrition.
But I can always eat 전. Even the ones that aren’t that good, I will still eat them. Case in point: the tofu 전 I made a few days ago. They were bland and boring… and I still ate them. I know how to deal with my reduced appetite– eat what I can eat. Most of the ones I cook have vegs in them so they have some nutrition. I also started taking vitamins today (my mother gave them to me).
So if I’m honest, I will likely eat just 2-3 of these 전 tonight and that’s okay. They will solve the problem of “what to eat” tomorrow. Which is important bc I have a job interview tm!
CW: body image, exercise for weight loss
So, what most people don’t know about my body is how it is a lie. I appear to be incredibly muscular and fit, even though I’m not.
I constructed that sentence very carefully — I mean that I appear to be muscular and healthy and fit… when my body has major weaknesses at the basic level.
Case in point: I have clearly defined abdominal muscles. I really do. In photos you can see them. And I know that a large part of why people who don’t have PT backgrounds view me as healthy is because of my defined abs.
But I can’t do a single sit-up.
I know the reason why I can’t do a sit-up — my abdominal muscles were cut and torn apart in surgery about 8 years ago. The fact that I can even do partial sit-ups is wonderful and I am grateful. But I would really like to be able to do a sit-up.
This vague whininess was prompted by me searching my apartment for something to hold down my feet so I could leverage against that and do a sit-up. I couldn’t find anything 😦 but it’s okay. I do crunches when I use the exercise equipment at the park and it’s okay. There’s a bar that I brace my feet against. But I would love to be able to do a sit-up.
Similarly, my biceps are fairly well-defined. I do work on those; it’s important to me. And my legs are tight and muscular. But I still have tricep flab and I still can’t do a sit-up.
So, don’t be fooled by people who appear to be fit. I’m sure most of us are hiding these secrets too — muscles for show, muscles that look good but don’t help us with actual fitness.
I can only attribute this muscular body type to genetics, as I certainly haven’t done much to deserve it. I have my father’s genes — I gain muscle easily… and when I don’t do the upkeep, it turns to fat easily too. Part of my exercise regime is to keep the muscle from turning into fat 😛
I’m a size 2 (or maybe 0 now that I’ve consistently hit my target weight of 115 pounds) but don’t be fooled. A lot of my appearance is the complement of being thin enough combined with being muscular enough. Evidently I have the genes to make it show where it counts (where people care about) but that doesn’t mean that I am fit or healthy, just that I am favored in the body lottery.
Today I learned that I have been denying my evil and malice too much. Most of this stems from도깨비 — he is inherently a spirit of more darkness.
I had tried to package this as “mischievousness” but I was wrong. He is at core a trickster, a troublemaker. Not mischievous, as that connotes playfulness with a dash of something more malignant.
Nope, not just “mischievous” — more a creature of chaos. He needs chaos and shit to stir up.
He got awakened to this when I asked him to eat the curse of my client (the woman who reads 사주 (saju) as her profession, that’s her business — though 사주 is more scientific than fortune telling FYI).
So I asked him to eat the curse that had been placed on her place of business. He loved it. He stayed in 홍대 for the rest of the night, enjoying the drama and fights and drunkenness of the students and people partying there on a Friday night. He came struggling back home, exhausted but also fulfilled.
It’s been a couple of weeks since that time and he’s hungry for more strong negative emotions. And he reminded me — during tonight’s new moon ritual — that he is a creature of fright and chaos more than anything else. He needs that to thrive.
And so I have to find ways to feed him.
Clients who need curses lifted will help, of course.
I’ve been being prompted in many ways, through many messages, that I need to go deeper into spirit work, need to embrace all of my psychic power. Part of that will ease once I elevate and release 가시고모, but until then, I have to feed 도깨비. I don’t have enough darkness of my own.
Or maybe I need to do more shadow work? No, that doesn’t feel right. I need to do more curse lifting work, as that enriches me (literally — by giving me monetary funds) and also enriches 도깨비.
He giggled so much as I did the first part of my new moon ritual, where I asked for manifestation of my psychic power and going even deeper into it. He giggled because he knew that he was showing me the way.
Ah, trickster! Why am I not surprised that you are with me? So you are, so you are, and so I will feed you, I promise.
제사 today, and I knew it would be tough, and it was. A rough and firm and demanding message, or rather a huge ask of me.
Have I mentioned why I am in Korea? I think possibly not. (And if I have, then it bears repeating LOL.)
I am here because my ancestors need me here, to elevate and release our ancestors who could not cross over on their own. For whatever reason(s), they are still stuck on this plane.
Since I’ve been in Korea (since October 2016), I’ve elevated and released two ancestors: a monk and a young bride. The monk was responsible for tending our family lines for centuries. He was exhausted. And he’d gotten too rigid (even for my Korean ancestors!) in how he tended the ancestral line. His faith only created stiffness around him and he enforced rules too … crushingly.
So he needed to be elevated to give him a break. Because he would never allow himself to stop working (classic Enneagram 1 LOL). He would work himself, even in the afterlife. Even after death, he worked himself to the bone. And he needed a release from that, a release that he would never give himself but he knew deep inside that he needed.
He showed me that he was sick; he told me that he was ailing; he spoke to me directly even before that obviously. He allowed me to sequester him for weeks on end while I learned my path and my mission. He was patient; he knew what needed to be done. Even if he couldn’t literally ask for release, he did in so many figurative ways. And he showed me that he was ready for it, craved it in fact.
I’m learning now that he was the easiest elevation and release I will ever have. My ancestors gave me a softball test for my first initiation. (I still don’t understand why now I won’t go crazy from further initiations but I accept that as a plus!! XD)
The second elevation and release was of a young bride who wanted only to be reunited with her husband, who had been lost to death too soon after their marriage ceremony. I blogged about her earlier, so suffice it to say here that I learned a valuable lesson from her: most spirits will not go willingly.
It takes my own psychic power to send them on. That’s why my ancestors needed me, to be the person with psychic power as a conduit to send them up. The young bride was, now I see, a relatively easy elevation and release too. I only had to talk with her here and there over the course of a few weeks. I only had to hear enough of her story to understand her.
The newest ancestor who needs to be elevated and released…. is a different story. She is thorny and ornery and very well defended against any sort of communication.
I call her 가시고모 (literally thorn/splinter aunt, also the same term 가시 is used for those tiny fishbones, you know the ones that you don’t catch and then they poke your throat). And my helping ancestors agree with me that she is 가시고모. And they *also* say that it is super important for me to elevate and release her.
First off, and most importantly in their view — if I can, then her psychic power will flow to me. She was so protective of it (because she’d been so ostracized because of it) that she closed it off entirely. She did not let it flow through the bloodline as it was supposed to. She stopped it up. None of her blood issue received any psychic gifts because she found a way to stop that transmission somehow.
So there is this huge dammed up power that needs to flow to someone in the bloodline from 가시고모, and my ancestors say I should receive that, once I send her up. I mean “should” here in the sense that it is owed to me — it is a kind of reward/incentive for me to do the work. That is how my ancestors package it to me, partly because they know that this elevation is an incredible challenge.
By the way, I don’t necessarily agree with the “being owed” part — I’m conveying what my ancestors told me, as their incentive to do this herculean task.
Second, I need to elevate and release her because her damming up her power is fucking up the bloodline. Tainting, cross-contaminating, etc etc. She doesn’t realize the repercussions of what she has done and how it has flowed over the centuries.
Because — oh yes — she is an ancestor that predates both aunt and grandfather. She is someone that they knew about and were warned to beware.
And now they have given her to me as my third ancestor to elevate and release. Remember I mentioned herculean task?
That’s without even going into this particular ancestor’s thorns. She won’t talk to anyone (she hasn’t for centuries); she has giant bramble bushes around her psychic energy (which I understand but omg whoa); and she is rough and gruff and rude and mannerless.
But also, super powerful.
This is so hard.
But it is the task I have been… ahem, erm, uh, uh… tasked with. It is the big task that they need me to do.
(Note also that I know that this is a form of initiation — not the “go crazy as initiation” that I expected but an initiation nonetheless. Also note that I also know that when I succeed at this, the tougher tasks will only keep coming. As in I know then I will only get even tougher ancestors. Sigh. That is the way, I know. It’s okay~)
So I cried during 제사 today. Because the concept of it was so difficult. But I’m better now. And I know now what I have to do, and I will dive into that task. To which my ancestors say, “그렇지, 그렇지”… and they say that this is why they needed me — not for just my psychic power from my bloodline (though rare enough) but because I will throw myself wholeheartedly into what I have to do and then execute to make that happen.
So off I go to execute… to start talking with 가시고모 (I’m told I will have to talk with her every day from now until the next full moon) and to start convincing her. 설득하겠습니다~ 어찌어찌 설득하겠습니다~
아가도깨비 and 토끼 say they will help, as of course will aunt and grandfather. Still it’s lonely and heavy work and I know it needs to be done.
I wonder if I need or want to manifest a mentor, because I can do this alone but it’s getting tiring to have no one to talk with about this sort of thing. Something to ponder and consider for the next few weeks.
So, a funny story. a little while back, I did a self-reading with the question: “When can I expect new money coming in?” I specified that the money should not include the known money from legal work (I expected a little bit coming in from different clients in April).
The answer: April 16.
Earlier in April, my friend connected me with her student, to cover English lessons while she is traveling. so I thought the April 16 date as about that. But then I realized that I wouldn’t see that money until May, when I start teaching.
Then it hit me — another friend had asked if I wanted to read tarot at a craft fair she was organizing. I pondered it for a bit and said yes.
The date of the craft fair? April 16.
Honestly I was so oblivious to the timing until a few days ago LOL. But when the realization came, it was like a ton of bricks. Like, way to be pinpointed and pitch-perfect and dead on.
Then, today, I asked how much money I would make at the craft fair today. The answer was accurate to within $10 of the *exact* amount I made today. (And I have an intuitive feeling of why I was off by that $10 too — it was because I told one potential sitter to wait, though it became clear that we could have done the reading when she wanted it.)
Yay for self-readings! Like OMG whoa. Sometimes I shock even myself with my accuracy LOL. *dance dance dance I am so happy*