So many thoughts and feelings…. and so I will start somewhere, anywhere, and circle through as many of them that I can.
Actually I just realized that this will be a series of posts, and that’s okay. Might even be better.
I’ve been sick for a while. Another super strong cold that just won’t leave me (I’ve been coughing for about 1.5 weeks now). And also really busy — with a series of job interviews and other big life necessities that really cut into my sleep schedule. I didn’t sleep enough, and that meant I didn’t heal.
And on Saturday, I got really sad. I had a Wondering Time. Wondering if this was the next wave in my release, part of how I need to go deeper into Buddhist faith.
I”m not sure if I do or not… but I was definitely sad. Feeling lonely.
Going back to that old wound of…. counting up the people who might care about me, “deciding” that there wasn’t anyone who cared about me… feeling alone and unloved.
I know part of this was the full moon coming to hit me hard. And also me beginning to stress about money and income and job stuff (generally a point of pride with me — that I am self-sufficient). And also that Grandfather left me in the last new moon and so he was not with me. Also around the same time (Saturday)… my other ancestor and spirits left me too. They just removed themselves from me, and I felt very alone.
If you’d asked me a year ago how I’d feel if my ancestors and helping spirits left me… I wouldn’t have even known what you were talking about. But they have been so close and so present with me for the last 9 months… and I don’t know how I lived without them before. And living with even their temporary absence (they all reassured me it was temporary and I believed them) was hard.
I knew I was cycling downward when I didn’t want to study Korean.
I knew I was cycling downward when I didn’t want to reach out to people I know care about me.
I knew I was cycling downward, I just knew.
And I am happy about a few main things:
1. Even though I was so unhappy and lonely, I did not turn to drinking my sorrow away. I continued to drink water and iced tea in the evenings.
2. I knew that silly computer games would take my mind off of it, so I bought one and then distracted myself for most of Sunday.
3. I did self-care in letting myself sleep like my body needed to after the busy-ness of the week before.
4. I did self-care in making myself eat. Not enough food, but I ate. More importantly, I ate instead of drinking alcohol.
5. I did not make myself do a full moon ritual on Sunday night. I was too desolate. I just went to sleep.
And all of these self-soothing and also self-correcting behaviors helped. And when I woke up on Monday morning, I felt better. Not back to 100% but better.
And on Monday night, I did some magical things and when I woke up today (Tuesday), I felt even better.
A lot of this is reminding myself — in a Buddhist way — that these moments are transient. They do not last. I can just observe my feelings and accept my feelings and valid and do what I can to make myself feel better… and I usually will. Time is on my side. Time heals me.
PS I find it funny that I tried to make a short post and it still turned out to be very long. Hahahahahaha.
PPS I still have the post about the magical rituals from last night… but maybe this is a sign to not post about them? Not sure. Maybe I will sleep on it and see how I feel when I wake up. Maybe these things shouldn’t be said.