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some circles of my history filled in

Today was an incredibly fulfilling 제사 (ancestor veneration), though I include venerating my helping spirits whenever I make offerings.

For those of you who don’t know, I talk with my ancestors and two main helping spirits (the 도깨비/doggaebi (goblins) and 토끼/Rabbit) daily.  Usually just to check in before pulling daily draws in tarot; they offer feedback on what I did the previous day and offer encouragement for the tasks of the current day.

I make food and beverage offerings to them about once or twice a week.  And I do rituals on the new moon (to bring in new energies) and on the full moon (to release heavy energies).

Today’s message from ancestors was wonderfully powerful.  Perhaps because I re-dedicated myself to this and really opened up for the first time in a while.  Perhaps because they wanted to talk with me.  Perhaps because today’s food and beverage offerings included 불고기/beef, lettuce, 소주/soju, and 떡/rice cakes~!!  Haha.

The messages from my ancestors were as follows.

They’ve been a bit distant because they have been *really busy* focusing on shielding me from other spirits/gods who want to connect with me.  (They remain unsure about Zeus by the way, just as I remain unsure about him.)  They kind of showed me all the spirits, who felt like they were almost attacking?  Kind of greedy, kind of a bit too eager, kind of like the spirits wanted me to give them my energy, or suck my energy.  And maybe I would make gains in the exchange too, but my ancestors felt like it was better to block.  할아버지/grandfather does the most work in this, on top of maintaining our family line with 꼬마/the little kid.  He was the warrior in life and he remains the guard/sentinel in death ❤

And I agree with them.  I have enough on my plate without *additional* spirits and gods seeking my focus and energy and attention.  I want to deepen my relationships with the ancestors I know, and my known helpiing spirits, and also the 산신/mountain god.  I’d much rather be an inch wide and a mile deep.  I believe that that is the path to success.

My ancestors also showed to me the long line of other ancestors who need to be elevated and released.  There are many after the young woman!  (She is someone I first met maybe three weeks ago, and I knew that she was my first proper elevation after 스님/monk.  More on this later.)  So I definitely have work to do, lots of work to do.

Now I understand better why the last tarot reading (from someone else) about this spirit work came out so strong and insistent.

My 고모/aunt from my father’s side also shared a bit more history.  I’ve known for a long while that she is from my father’s side of the family.  Some of you may recall that she’s always said I have 신기/psychic power (it literally translates into god-energy or god-power) from my bloodline.

I learned a week ago that Korean tradition has 신기/psychic power flow maternally, as in from the mother’s bloodline.  Many believe that when a 무당/shaman (who is almost always female) bears a daughter, her 신기 will transfer to the daughter.  I also learned that Koreans believe when everyone in a family dies young, it is a curse.

My mother is the last of her bloodline.  Everyone else is dead.  (Except for three cousins who joined their stepfather’s family — so while they might share my mother’s blood, from acculturation/socialization the ties have been weakened.  They are also the children of my mother’s brother which kind of seems to matter…)

My mother’s father, sister, and brother all died young, as did a few of her siblings (though this latter was considered normal right before the Korean War, as everyone was poor and suffering and susceptible to disease/sickness).  My maternal grandmother lived to an old age (her 70s).

But!  My mother almost died when she was a baby.  My grandparents (her parents) scraped together all the money they could, calling in favors, begging, and borrowing; and they called in a special shaman to save her life (possibly because they’d lost so many children and they couldn’t bear to lose another one).  There were so many prayers and rituals and rites.  And they worked, because my mother didn’t die as a baby.  (Funny point: for the longest time, her nickname from that time was 붙들이, which kind of translates into “one who is held onto tight-tight-tight/one who is caught and held tight.”  She also had to eat lots of animal protein (mostly frog legs) to build up her inner energy/strength, and she says that’s why she doesn’t like eating meat now.)

My point in all of this is: my aunt told me that after all of that happened, my maternal family line got completely closed and blocked off to all psychic energy to protect itself.  So I have psychic power from my maternal line, but I can never tap it.  Or maybe I can, but only after years of study so I can show that line that I can handle it.  Because they are so scared of losing another one that it’s easier to be shut off and refuse to recognize anyone in their bloodline.  Even thinking about the decimated bloodline is so painful.  And I have to say that I understand their perspective, so I won’t push, not for another few years.

I also had been struggling with what to do about the young woman ancestor who I needed to elevate and release.  Full moon is the best time to do this.  But I know so little of her story and have not found resolution for her.  She wanted me to find her long-lost love, who died so young.  She showed me how she felt his life slip away; though she was not with him when it happened, she could feel it, that loss of their connection in life.  They had a true true love, and he died before they could have a happy life together.  She wanted most for me to find him, wherever he is, and reunite them (because she knows that he too is dead at least).  Then, she said, she would go peacefully.  So I wondered if I should wait until the next full moon, or perhaps do the elevation ritual on a day that is not the full moon.  In essence, I wondered about an extension, because I didn’t feel ready.

고모/paternal aunt said: The ghosts will always have something they want for you to do first.  And you will almost never be able to get them their resolution.  What we need for you to do is to use your personal energy to release them — to help them leave this plane even though they want to stay.  So she says that she wants for you to find her lost love — you probably cant.  And I dont think you should.  Just release her.  And yes, I know that means spending your personal energy to do that.  Thats why we need you.  Thats why we called you to move to Korea when you lived in the USA.  Yes, from that far away.  It shows the depth of our need.  There are more like her, and we need you to do as many of them as you can.

And in this — this reminds me of my spellwork for the cafe.  I wanted to pour so much of my energy into it, because I wanted to *make sure* if would be successful.  And my ancestors, especially 고모, insisted that I should hold back, that I should NOT use so much energy.  In the end we compromised and I used 70-75% of my energy, or 70-75% of what I would have ordinarily used.  (And I admit I was exhausted from even that, but I know I can pour in the power and have it work out well.  I just need longer to recuperate.)  She wanted me to just use 50-60%.  She said pouring more energy in wouldn’t help that much and would not really be appreciated.  (Which has been turning out to be true.  There is no more curse energy in the space but it does not pull in money that well.  And the owner of the cafe is someone who wants to believe but also doesn’t really believe.  And her stress about money means that she chases wealth away a lot of the time.  And this with even some of my energy devoted to pulling in abundance energy for free, because I couldn’t stop that part and 고모 didn’t stop me either LOL.)

Anyway, 고모told me to spend some time in journeying/meditation while laying on the bedroll in the altar room, to better learn about the young woman, and then to just release the young woman on today’s full moon.  So that is what I will do.

토끼/Rabbit can help with this too.  She has a soft comforting energy that the young woman will respond well to.  토끼/Rabbit also reminded me that I need to incorporate more softer/feminine/음 energy into my life.  She has been telling me for a while that talking with the young woman will help me with that, and that is why the young woman was chosen for the first elevation.

LOL I need to post about elevating 스님/monk, don’t I?  I promise to do that soon.  He was my first elevation and the first glimpse of how this is what I am needed most for.

But to close to today, it was a great conversation with my ancestors and I am very grateful for their messages and guidance.

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