Super feelings-y post ahead as an FYI.
Here are the main situations and circumstances that make me sad.
I feel sad and hopeless because I do not feel equipped to help in any way.
Like, as a comparison, my race trigger is super strong… but in NYC, I could go outward in that; I could use my anger to fuel others and protect others. I could get in the faces of racist cops and scream and push and shove. I could use my body as a shield, me between those racist cops and the bodies of more vulnerable oppressed peoples (because I am privileged in able-bodiedness, class, education, race, and seeming heteronormativity). I could use my charisma and noticeability to divert attention away from those who needed more hiddenness.
One of the great things about Korea is that my race trigger isn’t … well,*triggered* … not every day as it was in NYC. Other things rise to the surface in that absence (I’ll blog on them later, I promise), but the race trigger is not a flare.
I don’t need to take antacids and antihistamines daily, as I did in NYC. In fact, I think I’ve taken those meds only 1-2 times in the last 5 months of living in Korea.
But in the US, I had *ways* of being able to express my anger. And to use my anger for good. I have not yet found a way to use my anger for good here. Which is a shame, since I have so much of it. LOL except I’m *not* kidding.
This is important, because I tend to turn my sadness into anger.
And so instead, lately, here in Korea, I get really really sad. And I feel helpless, because I feel helpless to transform my anger into a driving force (of anger, yes, not the healthiest, I recognize but it is my coping mechanism). I feel helpless in my desire to use my anger for good, because I cannot see ways that I can.
Here, you can imagine me as a demon who needs targets to attack. One of those good-hearted demons LOL.
So then, here are the two life-situations that make me feel sad and mad and helpless and just plain stymied by life:
- the elderly poor (eung eung eung I tear up seeing them and reading about them and everything about this ahh ahhh ahhhh I cry and cry and cry)
- abandoned and ignored dogs and cats (please excuse me while I cry some more)
For these two, I feel particularly helpless, because being around them makes me feel so sad and I feel worthless because my sadness keeps me from doing anything to actually HELP them. Like, I cannot work/volunteer rescue. And I don’t know what to do to help the elderly poor here. It’s not my place to speak since it’s not my culture and so I just cry cry cry.
I realize the seeming centering that’s happening here. I don’t want for you to make me feel better about my feelings, because it’s not right that I get prioritized over the ones who suffer. I’m just sharing my feelings about feeling helpless. And honestly hoping that someone out there can tell me what I can do. But that too is not a requirement. This is my expression post, where I share my feelings; I’ll find a resolution. If you have the capacity, then please use that capacity to help the elderly poor or the animals, as I cannot. I am asking you to divert here.
So ordinarily I’d want some form of resolution here, because distraction away is one of my coping mechanisms. But I am working on JUST FUCKING WRITING. And so this post ends here. This post ends here, with me simply saying what I wanted to say.