2 of Swords · 5 of Pentacles · 8 of Swords · 9 of Swords · culture shock · Introspection · Moon · Queen of Swords

the things that give me feeeeeeeelings

Super feelings-y post ahead as an FYI.

Here are the main situations and circumstances that make me sad.

I feel sad and hopeless because I do not feel equipped to help in any way.

Like, as a comparison, my race trigger is super strong… but in NYC, I could go outward in that; I could use my anger to fuel others and protect others.  I could get in the faces of racist cops and scream and push and shove.  I could use my body as a shield, me between those racist cops and the bodies of more vulnerable oppressed peoples (because I am privileged in able-bodiedness, class, education, race, and seeming heteronormativity).  I could use my charisma and noticeability to divert attention away from those who needed more hiddenness.

One of the great things about Korea is that my race trigger isn’t … well,*triggered* … not every day as it was in NYC.  Other things rise to the surface in that absence (I’ll blog on them later, I promise), but the race trigger is not a flare.

I don’t need to take antacids and antihistamines daily, as I did in NYC.  In fact, I think I’ve taken those meds only 1-2 times in the last 5 months of living in Korea.

But in the US, I had *ways* of being able to express my anger.  And to use my anger for good.  I have not yet found a way to use my anger for good here.  Which is a shame, since I have so much of it.  LOL except I’m *not* kidding.

This is important, because I tend to turn my sadness into anger.

And so instead, lately, here in Korea, I get really really sad.  And I feel helpless, because I feel helpless to transform my anger into a driving force (of anger, yes, not the healthiest, I recognize but it is my coping mechanism).  I feel helpless in my desire to use my anger for good, because I cannot see ways that I can.

Here, you can imagine me as a demon who needs targets to attack.  One of those good-hearted demons LOL.

So then, here are the two life-situations that make me feel sad and mad and helpless and just plain stymied by life:

  • the elderly poor (eung eung eung I tear up seeing them and reading about them and everything about this ahh ahhh ahhhh I cry and cry and cry)
  • abandoned and ignored dogs and cats (please excuse me while I cry some more)

For these two, I feel particularly helpless, because being around them makes me feel so sad and I feel worthless because my sadness keeps me from doing anything to actually HELP them.  Like, I cannot work/volunteer rescue.  And I don’t know what to do to help the elderly poor here.  It’s not my place to speak since it’s not my culture and so I just cry cry cry.

I realize the seeming centering that’s happening here.  I don’t want for you to make me feel better about my feelings, because it’s not right that I get prioritized over the ones who suffer.  I’m just sharing my feelings about feeling helpless.  And honestly hoping that someone out there can tell me what I can do.  But that too is not a requirement.  This is my expression post, where I share my feelings; I’ll find a resolution.  If you have the capacity, then please use that capacity to help the elderly poor or the animals, as I cannot.  I am asking you to divert here.

So ordinarily I’d want some form of resolution here, because distraction away is one of my coping mechanisms.  But I am working on JUST FUCKING WRITING.  And so this post ends here.  This post ends here, with me simply saying what I wanted to say.

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